Solution to All of Your Drinking Troubles

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.

Who Gave The Black Eyes

A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.

"Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?"

"Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."

Problem With Drunker, His Wife and Police

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

Pills That Allows to Fly

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

Pantun Mengompol

Bunga mawar tangkai berduri

Laris manis pedang cendol

Aku tersenyum malu sekali

Ingat dulu suka mengompol

Something That Graduate Asks

* A graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
* A graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
* A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
* A graduate with a Law degree asks, "Who gave it a permission to work?"
* A graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

Gangguan Pada Mesin Pesawat

Sementara pesawat terbang pada ketinggian 40.000 kaki, pesawat bermesin empat bergetar dan salah seorang penumpang melihat keluar jendela. "Astaga!" ia berteriak, "salah satu mesin meledak!"

Penumpang panik, dan tiba-tiba pesawat diguncang oleh ledakan kedua yaitu mesin lain yang meledak di sisi lain.

Para penumpang mulai panik, bahkan para pramugari tidak bisa menjaga ketertiban. Saat itu, pilot berdiri tegak dan tersenyum penuh percaya diri, melangkah dari kokpit dan meyakinkan semua orang bahwa tak ada yang perlu dikhawatirkan. Kata-kata dan sikapnya membuat sebagian besar penumpang merasa lebih baik, dan mereka duduk, lalu pilot dengan tenang berjalan ke pintu pesawat. Di sana, ia meraih beberapa paket tas dari bawah kursi dan mulai menyerahkan mereka ke pramugari. Setiap kru mengenakan tas tersebut di punggung mereka.

"Katakanlah," kata penumpang, "itu bukan parasut, kan?"

Pilot berkata, "Betul, kami sedang memakai parasut."

Penumpang itu melanjutkan, "Tapi kupikir kau berkata tidak ada yang perlu dikhawatirkan?"

"Tidak ada," jawab pilot ketika mesin ketiga meledak. "Kami akan turun sebentar mencari bantuan."